What have I been up to

SO I may not have been on here much lately but that doesn't mean I haven't been cooking. I would love to say that I have been cooking up a storm but honestly the last few months have been extremely difficult and I'm having a pretty hard time. Cooking for me is my happy place and the thing that makes me happy. But honestly, every time I hear chefs talk they talk about needing the love and that your emotions show in your food and frankly it's true. When I have moments of happiness and joy - I cook and my food is stellar. That being said - the other times I have tried to cook to help find my joy again my food has been less than stellar. 

I don't know when or how I'll get through this rough patch - I just know I'm thankful for the person who is around and helping me keep myself together. 

In an attempt to remind myself of my joy - I have gone through to look at the things I have made that I need to blog about and the new things I have made that didn't make the list. Right now I'm at 66 things I have made - only 300 more to go! LOL it's getting difficult because I make new things but I don't think they qualify for the list because the entire thing isn't new - eg. the pork tenderloin I made with the glaze and Orange Habanero Mojo was a new recipe and new because I don't often do glazes or sauces but I mean it's pork tenderloin which I have made lots before - so it didn't make the list. 

1. beer battered onion ringsHam and Cheesy Egg Crepes with Mustard Sauce Recipes 
2. Garlic Aioli 
3. Chimichurri Sauce with Beef tenderloin and home made fries
4. Curried Cauliflower soup with Red pepper pure Curried Cauliflower Soup with Red Pepper Puree - Chef Michael Smith
5. Chicken Parmesan with Spaghetti and Tomato sauce
6. Pineapple carrot cake with brown butter frosting
7. Mother's day Mexican Feast
8. Hasselback potatoes and grilled pork tenderloin a la Rodriguez with a guava glaze and orange Habanero Mojo
9. Cheese Soufflé
10. Home made fettuccine with pesto and toasted pine nuts
11. Homemade pork tortellini
12. Five spice marinated pork on top of garlic ginger sweet potato purée with five spice apples
13. pea and goat cheese filled ravioli
14. Buttermilk fried chicken with buttermilk waffles 
15. Gumbo with Dirty Rice

Getting back into the grove

So it's been just over a year in the new job - well I guess one year two weeks and time has flown by.

The past year has brought me many struggles on a number of fronts but a couple of months ago I saw a light and started to change directions. Trying to find a balance between all or nothing in all areas of my life.  I have gotten back to a really good work schedule - minimal over time compared to too much over time.  I have come back to cooking and not every night but a lot of nights - cooking from scratch a lot of the time too. I have started seeing a nutritionist and she is wonderful. I have started back to my home gym not on a routine basis.

Here are the things I have learned and somethings I still need to work on

• As much as I LOVE to cook I have to learn that it is alright to make Mac and Cheese no one will judge me for making a box of KD - only I will. It sounds silly but since I started this journey one of the most difficult challenges has been accepting that it is ok to not be a rock star chef every night of the week - some nights it is about basic survival and making sure there is supper on the table. I still struggle with this one. 
• Balance at work. I think I've got this one coming closer. This long weekend I had to take some time and go into the office to catch up on work. That being said I committed at the outset that at least one day I would do no work and I would sleep in. Well that's today. I slept to noon, got up watch some Top Chef Canada, made giant apple pancakes for "breakfast" (4:00 pm) and I'm about to make two cakes. But I am taking some time off in the summer to compensate. The monkey is most important  - spending the time I have with her and teaching her is the most important thing.
• Nothing I accomplish in my life will matter if I mess up raising my children
• Balance working out.  5 years ago I weighed ... a lot less than I do now and it is daunting to think about it because I know how much work it took me to get down to that weight and I wasn't done. I let a lot of "things" unnecessary things get in my way of continuing with my success. I also didn't go about it the right way. I kept detail logs of everything - how much I ate, measuring everything - how much I exercised.  It was not sustainable. Plus I find that hard to balance now with my love of cooking all things bad for you. I need to get back to a balance - and I'm getting there the days I have run or walked before work I feel so much better. I just need to remember that feeling.

I'm back though - maybe not as much here and I'll try to be here but balance is hard. 

But I something came up on my memories on Facebook and it reminded me just how far I have come. 

 This picture is from 2014. I was so proud that I had made burritos at home. As you can see I had made the meat and the rice - everything else was store bought and prepared - salsa, guacamole, beans etc.

The picture on the right is from Mother's day 2017.  I asked for a day where I could cook with my daughter and the husband would clean.

Everything on the right is home made:

- marinated flank steak

- corn tortilla's

- warm grilled corn with lime dressing

- guacamole

- salsa

- refried beans 

- pickled red onions 

the only thing store bought was the sour cream and cheese. 

This is a reminder of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go!

New year new me? resolutions?

Gee I look back at the start of last year and I was motivated - motivated to explore my love of cooking and baking - motivated to try out for MasterChef Canada and then what happened?

It is hard - I hate new year resolutions and I hate the phrase "it's a new year, be the new you" or the sentiments along those lines.  I don't want to me a 'new' me I want to just be me.  However, the new year is a good time to slow down, relax, look at life and contemplate where you were, where you are and where you want to be.

For me the last year has brought about one seemingly minor but significant change that has affected my whole life. I started a new job in roughly 9 months ago. The job is on paper a better job overall than my last.  It is less money right now than what I was originally making (not by much and not that I'm complaining), but with the type of job it is - I get a pension, benefits, sick days, vacation days, paid overtime and a lot more job security.

Honestly, I was a bit shocked at fist with the job and the hours it demanded - but frankly the work was worth it.  I was willing to put in major overtime to achieve a number of goals that I had when I took over the department. Unfortunately, I knew that meant some sacrifices around home, like time with my daughter, less time for cooking, less time for the husband...I was willing to work with the team I had and the hours for a period of time and we had a goal but then things got flipped on their head and ... well the overtime got to stop for a few months (seems like a good thing right? well no) because it has lead to the craziest few months of my life.

In the last two months I have had to make up for that pause. I have picked my daughter up from school twice or maybe three times. I hardly take her to her activities (thankfully I have supportive parents who pick her up and help with weekday activities). I hardly have time to spend with my husband. I don't have the time or frankly the energy to cook. Normally, I look forward to Christmas as a time to plan a 10 course meal for the family, but this year I was thankful to sleep in, watch TV and cook a turkey from a box :).  I think I spend more time in my office than I do at home (basically in 6 months I have worked 200+ hours of overtime that has been recorded - this does not include time I put in away from the office).

I think for a period of almost 8-weeks I didn't cook more than a handful of times and those times that I did cook it was not my "normal" cooking - it was boxed - or prepackaged food which is very sad for me.


When I look at this I find it very hard because four years ago I was in a similar situation but I hated my life, I hated everything in it, I wasn't in a happy marriage, I was in a career that was sucking the life out of me, there was nothing that made my happy (other than the gym and my daughter).  The difference now - I'm in a fairly happy marriage (man of my dreams - love him to pieces - but we don't get enough us time together. We need more of that!), I love my job (don't love the hours), I love my daughter, I am happy with my house, I need to get back to the gym. So I guess it's not that similar - the only thing that is similar is the lack of balance (I've never been great at balancing aspects of life at the same time).  So looking forward to the new year what does it hold for me and the family?

Well another two months of craziness - I can't avoid that at work unfortunately but I'm trying to find ways to manage and work with that and set some more boundaries.  In the next coming months I need to continue cooking - I'm keeping with my goal of 365 new recipes and 52 new techniques (but I'm not limiting myself on the time in which I have to achieve that). I am also going to lay off the pressure and recognize that if I want to make spaghetti and meatballs that maybe it can come pre-made in most of it's form I don't need to do everything from scratch - this way I keep cooking and trying new things but without the hours and pressure after long days at work.  More time focusing on my daughter and spending time with her - god is she ever amazing. More time with the husband - he is a great guy, truly supportive of me and my goals and I miss him lots. Finally, the gym - i need it. cooking makes me happy and feel warm but it doesn't relieve stress like the gym did.

So happy new year and happy reflecting.