The Other Side of the #MeToo Movement

 

The #MeToo Movement can be defined as a social movement against sexual violence and sexual assault that advocates for females who survived sexual violence to speak out about their experience. It is also - for me - a movement of people finally stopping keeping secrets and stopping the secrets from having power over them. 

 

 

When the #MeToo movement started I was elated to finally have acknowledged just how much of a wide scale the problem of sexual harassment is.  I have been sexually harassed and assaulted in many different scenarios – ranging from childhood trauma to being a successful and highly educated woman.

 

In part I was able to speak of the harassment I received.  I could speak about sexually harassed by my boss while I was working at Computer Boulevard in Winnipeg. Known at the time also as CBiT I worked directly under the Vice President of the Company Richard Balmer. He would do small things like come into the office and slap be on the back. He would also make some dirty jokes with the other guys who worked in the back office. 

The most horrific thing he every did to me was on a day when I went in to a meeting with the president in his office. The President of the company had a known history of smoking in his office and I have an allergy to smoke. After having a meeting in his office about some project that was ongoing I was walking back to my office and as I was doing this the guys in the network area were having lunch. They were eating sushi together at the table when Richard saw me coughing a little bit and then he asked me if I was having trouble swallowing while he motioned with his hand to and from his mouth with his tongue in his check having it bulge out. I want to be 100% clear he was making a motion that clearly indicated to myself and the others in the room that he was suggesting that I had just given the president of the company a blow job. I was horrified and then he encouraged the other people sitting with him at the table to make jokes at my expense and frankly I don’t and can’t remember them. I just remember feeling completely and totally humiliated. I walked in to my office, which was shared by Richard, myself and one other person. I had no choice but to walk through the meeting room to get back and forth to my office space. I didn’t know what I was going to do at the time because I felt stuck as I had been looking for a permanent full-time job for a while and I couldn’t think of having to start the job hunt all over again. The worst part was that Richard knew this and he held this power over me.

 

The only bright side of this interaction was during the same week I ended up receiving a letter saying that I was accepted into a program so I would be returning to work on a full-time basis. I worked a letter explaining everything that had happened and gave it to the other manager of the store and to his credit he took it extremely seriously. But writing the letter and even going to speak to him was terrifying, I had contemplated just calling and saying I quit and from the time I drove to work until I spoke with the second manager in the back I kept thinking of running in the other direction.

I had not had a good relationship with the store manager before as I had snipped and been grumpy with him previously. But on this day when I told him I needed to talk to him somewhere private (it’s a warehouse with some office space) and gave him the letter. As soon as he started reading the letter I broke down and I was in tears. He showed the greatest deal of empathy for me and apologized for not asking more when he saw that I was having difficulty at the office.  Once the President was informed he had a great deal of empathy for the situation. He asked to meet with me immediately and then ensured that we went to a different office and he apologized profusely for having me in his office previously he didn't know about my smoke allergy. 

They sent Richard home for the following two weeks while I completed the project I was working on, they even moved me into the training classroom so that I could in a different environment away from the other guys in that room. That was his only punishment for the actions that he made. I know that at least one of the other guys in the room felt bad for me - he is a friend of my brother's and he apologized in the years since the incident as he felt horrible for the treatment I received. 

 

To him I now say – your little interactions and tiny jokes of this nature have lasted with me to this day, some 17 years later I wear that scar and say #MeToo. I am also tired of keeping this with me and keeping it a secret of what happened and telling a lie about the punishment you received to make myself feel utterly less pathetic and that I was actually able to face the person who violated me. 

 

... I know he wanted to keep [him] a secret from me, but I don't like secrets. You think you're keeping the secret, but really it's keeping you. (p 237)

To the guys who were working in that department and heard and saw what was going on I choose to have some faith in humanity that you felt sorry and scared and that is the only reason you chose to do nothing to stop what happened and to protect me from having to endure that. 

 

To people who are in that situation in the future – help – it is your moral duty to help protect that person. By standing by and doing nothing you help him – you helped him diminish me, making me feel small, terrible and worthless. 

 

 

For me here is where the #MeToo movement becomes much more complicated and difficult. The number of times that I have been violated are too numerous to count. I have suffered through countless traumas and one of the most difficult thing is that they are kept secret. The worst part is that these secrets have been kept in emotional jars, boxes and vaults that are with me every single second and minute of the day. I carry them with me at all times and to all places. The stress and trauma of carrying these violations with me is beyond difficult and complicated to explain. In one part I carry them in tightly closed and control manners so that these things cannot come out and hurt or haunt me... or at least I try to. 

 

I want to use the metaphor I have been using with my counsellor – the traumas are my monsters – little demons that have hurt me. The jars and boxes are the cages for these monsters. As time goes on I continue collecting these jars and monsters and stack them up and keep walking forward because I have no choice. The problem is that eventually that stack of jars and boxes becomes so big you quickly fail to know or realize how big the stack got. What happens then is deceiving, debilitating and terrible. Some of the jars break shattering glass everywhere cutting through all parts of you and your life. 

 

It’s funny because when a jar breaks I consider it LUCKY if I knew what was in that jar because I could run around throwing band aids over the parts of me that were cut. If band aids weren’t big enough I would throw blankets over it the cuts left and then I would take the shards I could find and the demon and then put them all back together neatly in another slightly bigger jar or box and then add them back to the stack. I would say it was luck to knew what was in the jar because I could identify and name what that little bastard demon was. 

 

The problem with the huge stack of jars and boxes it blocks things – it blocks your views of all the demons and monsters to the point that I don’t know all the demons and monsters there. Beyond that the stack starts to spread out to other areas and starts to block memories and not just memories of the bad but memories of the good. I have a person that I knew from high school and it is weird... I remember one of the first times I talked to her after high school but honestly don’t remember being friends with her in high school at all until our reunion. She and a few others talked about times and things that I had done with them. I could not remember any of these things or events and some of them were not insignificant – when I went looking through my mind they weren’t there they were completely gone. Blocked by the emotional mess that has been left behind by these jars and boxes. 

 

This brings me back to #MeToo. A first it was like a major breath of fresh air in – it was like someone had taken this weighted blanket off and for the first time it seems a little better. But as I sat and looked at the jars and boxes all I could see was that I was going to have to double down on making sure I kept these jars and boxes were closed.  I cannot talk about the things that happened to me as a child for fear of it impacting the person who harmed me – and there is more than one but telling my secret would me them probably having to tell their secrets. I cannot even get into why and how I would want to protect their secrets.  As I looked on more of the trauma I kept this person’s information a secret because of this. I kept what this person did to me a secret because of what it would do to their reputation and what I would feel people would think about me. I am and was worried about people judging me for the stupid and terrible things I was doing in my life making bad decisions and thereby saying things like I had I coming, I don’t deserve empathy or support because of my part, that I should be ashamed of myself. 

 

So here I sit shackled to this pile of monsters guarding them in their jars and boxes, feeling like I can do nothing with it other than protect it - not just to protect myself but to make sure I protect those that have harmed me. So with all the liberation and empowerment that the #MeToo movement has brought not just to myself and others here I sit still waiting and pondering. 

So this year I have chosen my word to focus on is #Power taking my power back over my life, over my feelings. 

I have just finished reading a book that has taken... 8 months to read. The book is Confessions of a Forty Something  by Alexandra Potter  #noideawhatimdoing and I leave you with this

... I know he wanted to keep [him] a secret from me, but I don't like secrets. You think you're keeping the secret, but really it's keeping you. (p 237)

For so long I've been keeping this secret, but know I realize it's been keeping me. Keeping me stuck. Keeping me from changing my narrative from one of fear and failure. 

I look out across the horizon, at this vast, wide open space and I feel very small. In my hands I feel the paper fluttering in the breeze; all the sadness I've kept buried deep inside, all the ashes of my past waiting to be carried away on the wind.

And then I let it go (p 331-332) 

 

The Little Things and Gratitude

I would like to call on Galen Weston and PC Optimum to allow people to donate their PC Optimum Points to local food banks through out the country like Winnipeg Harvest.  I would also love the PC Optimum program to match the donations for the food banks.



Practice gratitude.

Gratitude helps us value the small things we often take for granted because we start paying attention to the good things in life. Some days, it can be as exciting as getting a promotion at work, and some days it might just be that your coffee tasted good that morning.

In this extremely difficult time the entire world feels like it has been turned upside down. I have watched slowly since the start of January the world and people coming to a grinding halt.  The one aspect that has flourished in many places is selfless acts to help others.  

There is so much for many of us to be grateful for and much of the things that people are finding themselves being grateful for are the little things. I am grateful my parents are home from Europe and are safe. I am grateful that I have four fur babies that keep us on our toes. I am grateful that my family is safe and healthy. I am grateful that while both my husband and I are currently off work for non-COVID related reasons I have some protection for my income. 

When my husband first went off work in October 2018 it was the scariest time in my life - frankly more scary than the current situation for me. He had very little sick time and we relied on both of our incomes to make ends meet. I had had a friend that went through a similar situation when her husband went off work and I know some of the financial difficulties they went through. I was scared, I was scared that we would lose our home, affording a vehicle, being able to get food. I was completely and totally overwhelming for months as we wadded through the process that was EI, Short-term disability and then long-term disability.  His EI claim had many hiccups and took weeks to sort out, I had to call our credit union and beg for help with our mortgage payments. I called other creditors and sobbed explaining what the situation is asking for help. I was scared beyond belief as I didn't know what was on the other side. 

In these weeks there are literally millions of families that are going through the very same thing. Sure Banks and financial companies are offering some form of relief, there is emergency benefits flowing out to people as quick as possible for a number of weeks that will ease some pain and difficulty. However, just as I knew that disability payments would eventually start to come that knowledge didn't ease my anxiety and fears. At the time I had work and other commitments that helped me focus on other things but now people are at home facing this worry. 

People are scared and unsure what is coming. What worries me is the Organizations in our community that rely on donations to provide support to people. I have my own fears about my family but I know if I really needed it now I would be fortunate to have some friends and family that I could ask for help from but many people are not as fortunate as I am to be in that situation. There has been news stories about programs having absolutely no donations come in and I understand it - if you are scared about your own finances and making ends meet you are not going to be able to support others.

I don't have a lot of means to make financial contributions but I do currently have 45,000 or $45 worth of PC Optimum Points.  I would like to call on Galen Weston and PC Optimum to allow people to donate their PC Optimum Points to local food banks through out the country like Winnipeg Harvest.  I would also love the PC Optimum program to match donations for the food banks. Especially in this time of social distancing this would allow people to donate to the organizations without having to go out of the house.  

For me I could definitely use the $45 in PC Optimum points to help towards our groceries; however, I am sure that there are people who could use the help more from our local food bank. 

I cannot take entire credit for this idea - this is an idea that was sparked during the Fort MacMurray Wildfires and another crisis where we sent our points to friends to allow them to have some of their burden lightened. 

Please call on PC Optimum to #donatethepoints #SupportFoodBanks

COVID19, Family, Reflections and getting Canadians home

COVID 19 started hitting the news sometime in the beginning of January and like the virus the news of the havoc that this virus has been causing across the world has continued. 

Before any of this I would have constant nightmares about the end of the world. Some involved natural disasters such as hurricanes or tornadoes. Other dreams would involve situations very much like this one were a virus or plague runs through our world and ... well things get bad in my nightmares. One constant theme has always been that there has been a separation from family - either I am by myself or part of my family is in a different location and we struggle to find one another again. I have been off work since the beginning of June dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I never truly understood how much anxiety played a role in my life until I stopped being at work and stopped pretty much everything else and then I truly started to understand the thoughts and feelings I was having was a constant state of anxiety.

I have been working with some amazing counsellors and referred to some excellent programs as we work to get a balance for my treatment plan and correct medication. A few months ago grocery shopping was completely and totally overwhelming to me, but we had worked on strategies to cope.  Then a few weeks ago something struck me and it took me 4 hours to do my grocery shopping on a Monday night. It was the sight of empty shelves - and the longer I went through the store more and more was missing. I know that this has been a common sight lately; however, this was at the start of March.  I grabbed a few extra of a couple of things and headed home. I remember walking into my living room saying to my husband that I think I am over reacting and this can't be real. I spent the week making lists and doing some preparing of items for our home. I sent my Dad a link to an article about panic buying in China and Italy on February 26, 2020.  

My parents have been in Europe since New Years visiting family and having some relaxing time in Portugal. They were planning on coming back March 31, 2020. This is a trip they have taken before, but they haven't been back to Portugal in a number of years so they were definitely looking forward to it. 

On March 4, 2020 I messaged my Dad about the toilet paper crisis letting him know it was starting here in Canada. On March 6, 2020 I sent him a link showing the growth and spread of the virus in Europe. On March 8, 2020 I asked my parents if they had heard about what was happening in Italy, and on March 9, 2020 I sent him a link to register with the Canadian Government. On March 11, 2020 I told my parents that when they come home they need to be self-isolating for at least two weeks. On March 12, 2020 I sent him news about the US suspending all travel from Europe and told him they should think about coming home early. He replied that he and other people had looked into it but it would cost upwards of $1,000 a person to change the flights. I could tell my parents were getting frustrated with me and I thought maybe it was just my anxiety acting up. On March 14, 2020 Francois-Philippe Champagne tweeted:

That is the night that everything changed. They had gotten an email from Air Canada saying their flights were changed from March 31, 2020 to March 30, 2020. I spoke with them at 8:30 pm CST and they said maybe we should move up their flights to go home at the same time as friends who were staying with them in Portugal. They were having problems accessing the Air Canada website from Portugal as were some others. I had tried logging on to the Air Canada website to make changes and couldn't so I called into Air Canada for them. 

I sat that night on hold with Air Canada for 2 hours before talking to an amazing agent who managed to get them booked to come home on March 26, 2020 on the same flights as their friends. When I spoke with the Agent we had looked at earlier dates but I wasn't sure and I was again doubting my anxiety. I spoke with my parents on March 15, 2020 around 3:30 am CST and everything looked good for their flights and they were happy (the downside of going through my current situation is I have difficulty getting to sleep and staying to sleep - the upside for the past week meant that I have been able to have more constant contact with my parents). 

I went to sleep only to be woken up at 9:12 AM CST by a frantic FaceTime call from my parents said that they needed to get home as soon as possible and to try changing their flights.  I picked up the phone and again waited on hold for 2 hours with Air Canada. I managed to speak with Simon who was an amazing rep who updated me through out the process. One of her problems was that she had to wait to speak to a specialty department about prices and the hold time for that area was 1 hour. 4 hours after the call started my parents and their friends were booked on a flight home to Canada leaving Lisbon flying through Music then Toronto and home. During that call we were offered flights that flew through the US and I didn't want have to deal with that so we flew them through Germany. 

My parents had less than two days to pack up everything in the Apartment where they were staying, a process that usually takes about a week, get on a bus and make the three hour ride to Lisbon before staying the night at the Tryp Lisboa Aeroporto hotel. 

March 16 and 17th consisted of worried FaceTime calls updating with how things were progressing in Portugal, how everyone was doing and how the other Canadians at the complex were handling things. 

When they arrived at the hotel on the March 17th they met fellow Canadian travellers who were still struggling to get home. Some couples had purchased 3 or 4 different sets of tickets only to show up and find out the flight had been cancelled or they were denied Boarding because the flight had a stopover in the US and they were not US citizens. It has been a very long night and very concerning considering our Prime Minister Issued a statement today 

“I think it’s just realistic to know that there are some of them that will not be coming home in the coming weeks, but we will make measures available through Global Affairs Canada,” Trudeau

This is a very concerning statement to anyone with a loved one or family member that is overseas. Especially when many people are having to get on flights to fly to other major cities to get a flight to Canada and some have would up stuck in the lay over country when flights suddenly get cancelled. I have a significant understanding that this is an unprecedented time in our Country and World. However, to think that the government would abandon citizens at this time is disconcerting. I reached out to the Tryp Hotel and sent information I could and they hotel agreed to print out the information and pass it on to passengers.  I heard from some of those passengers that the email was an automatic bounce back with no new information on how to help. Emails and phone calls to various numbers were not being returned and only greeted with automated messages and long hold times. 

The last message I have from my dad was at 12:15 CST March 18, 2020 saying they are at the gate waiting for the plane.  I have been watching the status of their flight from Lisbon to Munic and then waiting to see if the Munic flight to Toronto took off.

In this time I was contacted by a lovely couple from Halifax who are desperately trying to get home and were having no luck because of flights being cancelled. They originally had secured a flight to return home on March 19, 2020 (the very same flight my parents had left on today) but they could not check in. They sent me their information and I tried to figure out what was wrong only to find out that their flight was cancelled. I called Air Canada again and spent 2 hours on hold before reaching Prince. In their system everything was fine and they hadn't even found out yet that the flight had been cancelled, but he looked and confirmed. You could hear the stress in his voice - it was the last call of his shift and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult and long his and other shifts have been. We were able to secure the couple a flight home tomorrow through London and we are crossing our fingers for the next couple of hours that it does not get cancelled. 

I am happy I was able to help this couple - extremely grateful but very disheartened at the same time. Many other people have been left in the same situation. Our Government should be doing more - including making agreements with the US to let our citizens transit through the country if it is a stop over. We are still allowing US citizens to fly into Canada and then home but stranding our own people because we cannot or have not taken the same action. We cannot let families be separated like this.  For me it is now 7:28 AM CST and I haven't been to sleep in about 20 hours. I am going to sleep now with my phone on just in case another person has to reach out to me for help. I cannot do much to help them other than sit on hold and reach out to the airlines to help them but it is at least doing something while I wait for my parents to arrive home. 

If COVID19 teaches us nothing use - it will teach us to be grateful - grateful for our families, our loved ones and the time we have together. I hope continues to remind us the need to help each other and act selflessly.