Surviving

It is a New Year and it seems that my word of the day for the past while has been "surviving."

survive

See more synonyms for survive on Thesaurus.com

verb (used without object), sur·vived, sur·viv·ing.

1. to remain alive after the death of someone, the cessation of something, or the occurrence of some event; continue to live: Few survived after the holocaust.
2. to remain or continue in existence or use: Ancient farming methods still survive in the Middle East.
3. to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence: She's surviving after the divorce.

This has been a pretty apt description for my life over the past couple of months. In September it was a really exciting time for me - I got to audition for MasterChef Canada - such an amazing and wonderful experience with truly amazing people! (I will have to write about that later).

Things seems to be moving in a generally positive direction for me. However, my husband had been struggling for a while and then finally at the start of October he couldn't keep going the way he was and he had a break down at work. He has been off work since the start of October as a result of a major depressive episode and anxiety. I can't tell you what it does when you realize that the person you love, the other half of you is far worse than you imagined.

I got a text one day at work simply saying:

"Just so you don't panic or get annoyed. I am at home. Went off sick. I have an appointment with Dr. F tomorrow." 

Now for context my husband works split shifts and sometimes when I don't here from him in the afternoon but see he is still at home I get panicked that he slept and missed his second shift. Alternatively, I get busy at work and because he finished later than me I will stay at work later and then go to pick him up only to find out he was home early and I could have left work.

But this is odd it's different why would he have made an appointment and for the next day, something must be really wrong especially because he was waiting for a surgery date. So you call worried and upset to find out why he went home and what happened.

The next few weeks of my life became about learning all I could about insurance claims; EI Sickness benefits; short-term disability; long-term disability; ISO hearings and rearranging life. We asked to move up his surgery in hopes that it wouldn't prolong he has been off work if things 'magically' got better overnight (they didn't).

So much of our life got flipped on its head. This time has been about making it just to the next day, solving one issue only to move on to another issue. Learning that its ok to need help and like a lot of help. Learning that it is ok for me also to not be ok to be struggling with everything.

There have been a few people who have reached out and been offering support and I am truly grateful and blessed to have these people in my life - they have done more for me than they will ever know.

So far up to now life has been about surviving and making the next step. Through all of this one song has spoke to me and has been a beacon. I have been trying to write this post for a while now. The next post will be about my view and outlook for the New Year.

Thanksgiving

It is amazing how quickly time flies. It was just last week that I was having a discussion with my husband and I utter the phrase "But it's September" to which he responded "It's October"....I wanted to argue the point but it dawned on me that he was right - it is in fact October and Thanksgiving was comping up next week. Yet, here I am feeling like that was yesterday and it's thanksgiving today. 

It has been a hectic, weird time for us and this morning I got a little message via Facebook 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!

Just a little message from someone who has been a teacher, mentor, friend and confidant for years - has put up with me as a teenager and supported me through all things in life. Someone who instantly said "do you need to talk" when I said I'm going through a tough time and I know no matter what will be there if I say I need to talk. I am thankful for her being in my life.

I am thankful for all of the people family and basically family that I get to count to be a part of my life. Who lends support, hugs, heart and whatever is needed.

I am thankful for my parents who support me and my family in whatever we need to do. Who are always more than willing to eat my cooking. The sacrifices they have made for me and the help they continue to provide is overwhelming at times. 

I am thankful for in-laws who have provided love, guidance and support to my husband and welcomed me into their life. I am thankful for a mother-in-law who still loves me no matter what and a father-in-law who is always there with his gentled guidance and words of wisdom. 

I am thankful for an amazing daughter who is truly beyond words. I am so immensely proud of her and who she is becoming. She has spent this long weekend doing school work, helping clean the house and baking without needing to demand it of her - she just does it. She even has done her own laundry (all 3 loads) (did I mention she is 12?!) I can't imagine what the future will bring to her as such a young, bride and amazing kid. 

I am thankful for a husband who loves me - all of me - I don't know what more I can say than that's amazing to know. I am thankful to have him in my life. 

Heading into the Fall

I cannot believe we are already into September and as I type that I realize that we are more than halfway through the month.  We took some time at the end of August and had a week long vacation exploring part of Western Manitoba staying in Yurts at Asessippi Provincial Park. I have to say the experience was amazing and we have already made plans to go back to a Yurt at Childs Lake next summer.  The ability to go back to basics and cook over a camp fire every night was inspiring. I will be writing more later on my campfire cooking but there is a magic derived from cooking over an open wood burning fire that can't be described! 

Time is just flying by. My daughter asked my what my favourite time of year was and I said I don't really have one. Each time or season has different things that I look forward to each year. I

In Spring I love the rebirth, the warmth, colours and smells of spring.  I love seeing the earth and people wake up from under a blanket of snow. Summer is about amazing sunsets, campfires, spending time with family and friends at the lake. There is an enjoyment because the days are long and last well into the night. Everyone seems more relaxed and there is a sense of care free and return to childhood. Fall is about an amazing transformation of colours everywhere, warmth even on cold days. I love the last bit of summer we get in the end of September where temperatures are warm during the day and cool in the evening so you look for comforting things. There is a return to soups, stews and filling, warm and comforting food. There is also the abundance of crops that come in at this time of year - tomatoes, pumpkins, apples all that give you a nice hug.  Winter has the amazingness of snow the ability for the entire world to sparkle after a fresh blanket of snow. There is the time around Christmas and New Years where there is a sense of joy, wonder and endless possibility. I have always found that there is a special type of magic around Christmas. 

Each season and time of year has its own unique aspect that I love and look forward to (except the extreme cold... I could do without the extreme cold but I could not imagine never having snow!) 

So now I'm starting back to cooking stews, soups, roasts and chickens.  As I type I have a whole chicken being cooked sous vide and I'm going to be roasting potatoes and carrots for supper to go with it. I'm also going to be working on sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie.